Learning To Breathe Again
by CoffeeQueen
Summary: Eleven years after the Second War has ended Harry revisits the events of the night that brought Lord Voldemort's rule to an end and took the life of Ron. Events take their course as they lead Harry to Hermione again. After losing contact with her for elev
1. Chapter 1

**Learning To Breathe Again**

_Summary:_ Eleven years after the Second War has ended Harry revisits the events of the night that brought Lord Voldemort's rule to an end and took the life of Ron. Events take their course as they lead Harry to Hermione again. After losing contact with her for eleven years he tries to make things right and together they begin to cope with Ron's passing. Together they learn to breathe again.

_a/n:_ Hello :) This is my first Harry Potter fic so I hope you all like it :) Any comments, suggestions, or constructive criticism is welcome. Please r/r :) Thanks!

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_"I never, never thought that I would fall like that...Never knew that I could hurt this bad..."_

**Chapter One**

He held the aged paper to his eyes again and read her desperate cry:

_Harry,_

_ I've been checking the post for two weeks now. Is something wrong? Are you okay? I hope that you are. I miss hearing from you Harry... it's hard to get used to not seeing you everyday, now I only see you on holidays or random visits. It's not enough... Harry, I miss him too...you've got to know that. I lie awake at night thinking what I did wrong. How I could have stopped it. It's not your fault... you've got to know that too. I saw Mrs. Weasely in the market just yesterday... she's looking frail... not good at all Harry. Maybe we both could pay her a visit? I know she would appreciate it. It'd be good for you too. Get back to me as soon as you can._

_ All my love,_

_ Hermione_

He rifled through the box to find the next letter, his heart was aching as he began to read:

_Harry,_

_ It's been a month now Harry... a month. Why don't you write me anymore? Nothing has changed between us. His... passing... has not affected our friendship. It hasn't with me. You just can't close off the world... It's not fair to the people who still need you. I need you Harry. I can't get through this on my own and I know you can't either. We're the only ones who understand... we were the only ones there. I feel like I'm going insane here Harry. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about that night. You are the only one and your shutting me out. I don't understand. What did I do? I'm grieving just as much as you if not more Harry... he was my finance! Don't you get that? I loved him... it was more than a friendship for me. It had always been, but I guess you can't understand that either. You shut yourself off from anyone you attempts to love you. I watched it throughout our time at Hogwarts. You never could seem to let anyone in. I don't understand that... I would think that anyone who's lost so much in life would be open to someone's love. But all you did was push it away. I'm sorry Harry... I've said too much... I must go.. please write me Harry, I miss you._

_ All my love,_

_ Hermione_

Extracting the last letter from the age weary box a tear fell from his eye. He carefully unfolded the letter and read her last words carefully:

_ Harry,_

_ I suppose I give up. Days turned into months and months has finally turned into years. I never thought I'd see the day when I felt I'd lost you completely. Now I know I have. It's unbearable... sitting here day after day hoping to hear from you. I can't do it any longer Harry... I just can't. Even though I don't understand... I've accepted it. I've finally accepted the fact that I've lost my two best friends in less than a year. You have know idea what it's like Harry... I just can't shut everyone out like you can... forget they ever existed. I still visit the Weasely's every week. They always ask of you... and I never have anything to tell them. Well I suppose I have something to tell them now... that I've lost my best friend. I'll always miss you Harry... know that... I'll never forget you... as you seem to have done everyone else. I'm sorry things have turned out like they have. I wish you all the best to come..._

_ All my love,_

_Hermione_

Harry carefully folded the letters and put them back into place along with all the others. Upon closing the lid he felt a sob rising through his chest. He pressed his lips together as if to hold it back. He wanted to keep a hold on his emotions, he was having a problem with that lately. He quickly stood from his position on his bed and pushed the box back up into the top of the closet. Smoothing his hands over his thighs he walked towards the kitchen, where a pot of freshly brewed coffee was waiting for him. He poured him self a cup of the strong substance and began to drink it as he looked over the Daily Prophet. He hadn't lost all contact with the wizarding world.

He read through the stories of higher taxes for broom bearing wizards due to air disturbance and the latest opening of Mario's Magical Meals, a new addition to Diagon Alley creating quite a buzz with it's signature dishes. He read until the shadows in the room changed to indicate noon, but he still couldn't help thinking of Hermione. It had been eleven years since he had last heard from her. It was his own fault. He hadn't been ready to feel again, he had wanted to close himself off from everyone after he defeated Voldemort, after Ron was murdered.

His thoughts now shifted to his best friend. Murdered by the cause of Darkness, he was killed by a Death Eater during that last struggle for power. Harry retaliated in anguish by ending Lord Voldemorts reign, then by slaying the Death Eater... then by taking them all. No one was left standing...only Hermione, who ripped apart by anguish, huddled over Ron weeping and screaming until the others came.

Hermione had been right, they were the only ones who understood. And he had pushed her away just like she had been one of the others. No he wasn't ready to feel... not yet.

Harry placed the Daily Prophet on the coffee table and pressed a hand to his forehead as he continued to slip in and out of his reverie.

_ Smoke floated all around them as Harry had slain the last of Voldemort's supporters. He felt as if the earth had just ended as he buckled under his own weight. He let his body freely crash into the ground as he listened to Hermione's endless screams. He felt light headed, out of breath. He felt like he were in a dream... a nightmare._

_ "I love you... I love you... do you know that?" A delirious Hermione sobbed into Ron's ear. "It wasn't supposed to be like this...we were supposed to get married and have children. Remember that? You said that you'd never leave me! That we'd live happily ever after! In- In... a cottage and we'd have kids and-"_

_ Harry laid on the ground, he felt like he was dying, he couldn't catch his breath. Hermione never stopped screaming._

It played over and over in his mind like an endless tape. Tears streamed down his face as he continued to see Ron's crumpled body cradled in Hermione's arms. Her screams filled his head as gigantic sobs fled his chest. He wrapped his arms around himself as he mentally let himself be free. The chains that had bound him for eleven years loosened a little as Harry's emotions took over. He wailed in his empty cottage in the woods. No one would hear him. No one would get to see the breakdown of the Great Harry Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Learning To Breathe Again**

_Summary:_ Eleven years after the Second War has ended Harry revisits the events of the night that brought Lord Voldemort's rule to an end and took the life of Ron. Events take their course as they lead Harry to Hermione again. After losing contact with her for eleven years he tries to make things right and together they begin to cope with Ron's passing. Together they learn to breathe again.

_a/n:_ Hi :) Well, here's the second chapter to the story, I've already written a few so the rest of the story should come along fairly quickly...or so I hope :) Well, I hope you all enjoy this chapter and as always reviews ;) , constructive criticism and ideas are always welcome!

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_"I'm learning to breathe ... I'm learning to crawl..."_

**Chapter Two**

Harry had barely been surviving on his parents dwindling fortune for the past eleven years. Never fulfilling his dream of being an Auror he was unemployed. The following week he decided maybe he was ready to reenter the magical world once more. Despite the fact that the small fortune his parents had left behind was nearly non-existent, as he had spent most of it during his years at Hogwarts, he felt something pulling at him to get back in touch with the world. Since his breakdown the previous week Harry had begun to think. To think about past relationships, friendships that he had left behind, the people that he had let slip away from him. He couldn't bare the thought of him never seeing Hermione again. She had been his best friend, now his only friend. If she would still consider him to be even that much.

He left his house early that morning, apparating into Diagon Alley. Walking towards The Leaky Cauldron, he pushed some of his hair over his scar, he wasn't quite ready for a lot of attention. Upon opening the doors, Harry felt memories come back to him. He had been here so many years before ... everything. He walked up to the bar with as much confidence as he could muster.

"Hello, I'm looking for an application? I noticed your sign out front." Harry turned his head slightly towards the door.

The old man at the bar grunted and disappeared behind a curtain on the other side of the bar. Slowly he returned with a slip of yellowed paper. Apparently the needed someone for a job that hadn't been fulfilled in a while. "Here." He slid the paper across the bar to Harry and handed him a pen.

"Thanks." Harry replied, turning to a unsteady table to fill out the form.

He looked down at the form, the first requirement...Applicants Name. Harry swallowed and thought about what to do. He knew that if he put his real name the Daily Prophet along with the whole of the magical community would have a field day. The defeater of Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, returns after eleven years of solitude. The infamous Harry Potter! The Boy-Who-Lived... working part-time at the prestigious Leaky Cauldron. He frowned at the thought and scrawled James Evans at the top. Using both of his parents names seemed to be the best way to go.

Harry encountered more obstacles during the completion of his application, many lies were told. He wasn't worried though, this was only the beginning of his comeback. This wasn't meant to be his job forever. At least he hoped. Sighing 30 minutes later he handed his application to the man behind the bar who glanced over the form briefly and grunted, "Welcome to the workforce of the Leaky Cauldron James. You're needed out back." He stuck his thumb over his shoulder beyond the curtain.

Harry nodded and walked behind the bar and through the curtain where he saw men loading boxes off a truck. He joined in the assembly line helping them put the boxes into the storage room. "Hello... I'm H- er... James Evans... I've just been hired." He said proudly to the man beside him.

"What's so great about it?" The man looked at Harry oddly. "I've been workin here for twenty years.. the feelin'll wear off soon enough lad." said the man who later introduced himself as Herb, a Scottish man who lived in the inn above.

Harry quickly returned to work, not saying much else to the disgruntled men around him. He worked unloading heavy boxes until noon where he had a twenty minute lunch break that consisted of lukewarm soup from the kitchens and stale bread. As he finished off his butterbeer he reluctantly stood and got orders for his next task which was to wipe down the tables and "tend to the bar".

He began with the tables, wiping the dusty surfaces until he saw the battered wood beneath. He went around to each empty table buffing and polishing them until they were all spotless. He then moved behind the bar and began to wipe it down as well. Through out the day various witches and wizards came in and out ordering sandwiches, soups and drinks, which Harry ended up cleaning behind them. Mysteriously Herb and the others were all on brake.

Relief finally came when Harry was told to go home at six-o'clock. He gladly took off his apron and left The Leaky Cauldron as Tom, the bar tender, grumbled about something in the distance. Harry rubbed at his eyes as he exited the dark inn onto the busy streets of Diagon Alley. He turned a corner which put him at the back entrance of St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. He looked up at the massive building that was disguised as Purge and Dowse Ltd. to any Muggle eye, and sighed he remembered the time that he had been here last. Ron had been alive then...

He turned his eyes away from the building as he heard some healers walking out of the side door apparently taking a smoke brake. He glanced at them and for a moment he thought he saw a familiar bushy haired friend... his heart almost leapt out of his chest. He closed his mouth as the girl turned her face toward him. It wasn't her. He turned and began to walk away back towards the main street.

"Good night then girls, see you Monday." He heard as the side door closed again. He stopped as he heard heels clicking the cobble stone street underneath. Turning his head slightly he could see her out of the corner of his green eyes. He drew in a deep breath as she passed him. It couldn't be. He shook his head slightly as he watched her turn the corner. He slowly began to follow her, still not quite believing what he just saw.

Hurrying after Hermione, Harry tried to stay inconspicuously behind her. He followed her for two blocks and stood along the corner as he watched her go into her small house. Harry inhaled deeply as he strode across the street and knocked on her door. He waited nervously, he heard a bump inside he leaned in closer to the door to get a better listen. The door quickly swung open, Harry straightened. Hermione looked up at him, she had taken off her heels and her hair was half out of her healer's cap. Harry was silent as he watched the emotions changing on her face, from joy to sadness from sadness to fear from fear to anger.

Harry took a step closer to her, she backed away. "Hermione..." He said softly.

Her eyes filled with tears as she searched his face. "Eleven years..."

He took another step towards her, she put her hands on his chest to block herself. He embraced her holding her tightly to him, she beat her hands upon his chest. "Get away from me!" she cried. He held on to her anyway, his arms were sore from the boxes, she beat her hands against them. She cried against him pushing him away like he had done her. He put his hands on her face and soothingly told her, "I'm sorry Hermione...I'm so sorry." His fingers became wet as she cried and tried to push him away. "Get away from me..." she cried softly giving into his embrace. Her tears soaked into his shirt, he could feel them on his skin.

Harry stroked her long hair lightly as she continued to cry. He understood, she hated him. She hated him for leaving her alone with her grief for eleven years, but she needed him now just like she had needed him then. They were the only ones who got it. They were the only ones who understood.


	3. Chapter 3

**Learning To Breathe Again**

_Summary:_ Eleven years after the Second War has ended Harry revisits the events of the night that brought Lord Voldemort's rule to an end and took the life of Ron. Events take their course as they lead Harry to Hermione again. After losing contact with her for eleven years he tries to make things right and together they begin to cope with Ron's passing. Together they learn to breathe again.

_a/n: _Okay, so yes, I know it's been an extremely long time since I've posted anything, especially this story. I'm so sorry...I don't know what happened along the way but I sincerely plan to keep this story going for as long as I can or it takes me to finish. I'm sorry for the long wait and I thank you for sticking with me…I really appreciate it. Feedback and comments of any kind are always welcomed! Happy reading…. :)

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_"I could use a fresh beginning too...All of my regrets are nothing new..."_

**Chapter Three**

They sat in silence for a good ten minutes after Harry had closed the door. Hermione's eyes, pink and puffy, glanced around the room darting in any direction but Harry's. Harry cleared his throat and shifted on the couch, looking for anything to preoccupy his thoughts. He glanced around the room, his eyes falling along the pictures that lined the mantel. They're were pictures of her parents, laughing and smiling at each other; pictures of herself, Harry and Ron during their years at Hogwarts, Had they really been that young? Harry examined the picture further, he found himself smiling at Ron's expression, which was a little lost looking between Harry and Hermione, as if he hadn't known the picture was being taken.

Harry's eyes moved along the line of pictures, stopping on one of Ron and Hermione. He could tell that the picture must have been taken in their last year, as Ron had fully grown into his gawky figure. Ron beamed down at Harry as Hermione kissed him on the cheek, his face turned towards hers slightly. They looked so happy together. He had never really noticed that before.

"Harry..." Hermione began slowly, placing her hands into her lap.

Harry's eyes snapped back towards Hermione, she was biting her lower lip. "Yeah?"

"Harry... I'm awfully sorry the way I...er... greeted you... I was just surprised that's all. I wasn't expecting... I didn't really think that I'd have much chance of seeing you again." She said, tucking her now somewhat tame curly hair behind her ears.

"Don't apologize Hermione... I believe I deserved that." Harry said, trying to make light of it.

"Oh no..." Hermione thought for a moment, "Well...maybe some of it." She laughed.

Harry laughed along with her for a moment, as their laughter died away silence took over the room once more. Not really wanting to bring the obvious conversation to the surface quite yet he said, "So, you're a Healer now?"

He eyed her white uniform, which was made complete by the emblem of a bone and wand crossed. "Oh, yes. After Hogwarts I went to a Healer Academy in Dublin for about seven years. I've been working at St. Mungo's ever since."

"Wow, seven years? I didn't realize that it was that... er... intense." Harry replied, scratching his chin, which was accentuated by light black stubble.

"Yeah, they pretty much teach you everything there is to know about Healing... it was a pretty drawn out process. You know, getting qualified and trained, then trained again for your floor. I work on the 4th floor, Spell Damage."

"You know, I never would have pictured you as a Healer.. I always thought that you would be-" Harry fell short realizing how it sounded, he cursed himself.

"Healing is a great profession. You're saving lives everyday. Helping the injured and sick..." Hermione said to convince him or rather to convince herself.

Harry nodded, "No doubt… I didn't mean for it to come out that way..."

Hermione nodded briefly and stood, she walked into an adjoining kitchen. "Would you like some tea Harry?"

"I'm good thanks.." Harry said, running a hand through his hair, which had grown a little longer over the years. He heard her filling the kettle, then placing it on the stove, "Oh what's the bother..."she grumbled as she waved her wand at the kettle. The kettle whistled as Hermione poured the water into a cup and grabbed a tea bag.

She came into the living room dipping the bag in and out of the hot water. She set the cup down on the coffee table and adjusted her uniform. "Harry, you wouldn't mind if I changed would you?"

"Oh, no not at all." Harry said, clearing his throat.

"Thanks, I've been in these clothes all day. They are a little uncomfortable." She laughed as she walked down the narrow hallway and went into a door on her right. "I'll be just a minute..." She called through the door.

Harry rested his head on the back of the couch wondering where the evening would go. His stomach jumped about nervously as he glanced at Ron's picture again. Was he really ready to open up the past again? His eyebrows furrowed as he thought about the possibilities he had. It was bound to come up, no doubt about it. He just didn't realize how soon that would be.

Hermione padded her way into the living room again, she was in an oversized sweatshirt and flannel pajama pants. "Ahh," She sighed, pulling her long hair into a sloppy bun. "I feel so much better. I hope you don't mind." She gestured to her slouchy attire.

Harry smiled at her, "Not at all." He made himself more comfortable as she picked up her cup and began to sip at it, occasionally dipping the bag in and out.

Hermione's voice dipped into a more serious tone, "So, how have you been Harry? It's been a while."

"Yeah, I'd say so." He breathed. "Uh, I've been...okay. Not fully there yet, but..."

Hermione nodded in agreement as she out down her cup. "Yeah, me too. It's been a little rough since…then. It just seems like I've had to put a bigger effort into just living…you know?"

Harry nodded shamefully; he had not been living at all. "Yeah I sort of took a break from it I guess...living..."

Hermione picked at the back of the sofa. "Yeah, it was sort of hard to get it back. I sort of shut down for a few months after. Then I just realized that I had to pull through it. That's when I went to Dublin and found the school. Everything's changed since then."

Harry's eyes looked downward, he felt guilty. She had been strong, she pulled herself back together alone even...and he had closed everyone out. He had stopped living. "I just got a job today, actually... the first one in...Well, just the first one." He laughed bitterly. "At The Leaky Cauldron."

Looking up, she smiled, "That's fantastic Harry, I really mean it."

"Thanks. I uh… I couldn't bear to use my real name though. I put down James Evans." Harry looked up at the ceiling, Since when had he become such a coward?

Hermione touched his hand, patting it. "I understand Harry."

"I don't even understand..." Harry replied, looking at her. "You... you were so brave about it Hermione. You moved on, you lived. I pushed everyone away...I shutdown..."

"Harry..." She said softly.

"It's the truth Hermione. That's all I am, contrary to everyone's belief... I'm nothing but a coward." He felt tears on the brim of his eyes. He held them back, cursing himself for wanting to cry.

"Harry, you are anything but a coward. You've faced so much more in your life than half of us will ever even know of. You saved us all from -"

"But I couldn't save him..." Harry said, his throat felt tight and achy.

Hermione pressed her lips together, and closed her eyes for a moment. "Harry...neither one of us could have saved him...we were all out numbered. It…it was hard enough trying to fight them off... It couldn't have been prevented Harry..."

Harry was silent for a while, he thought about that night. It consumed him, he felt like he was there again. Like he was seventeen, brave and invincible. He shuddered at the thought, how he had learned that very night how vulnerable he really was, how they all were. He looked up at Hermione, he could tell that she was thinking about it too. He slid his hand over to hers and grasped it. She looked into his eyes and squeezed his hand, giving him a watery smile.

He pulled her towards himself and let her head rest upon his shoulder. She was shaking and silently crying as she laid her head onto his shoulder. He sniffed a little as he put his arm around her, squeezing her a little. He pressed his lips to her hair and quietly said, "I'm sorry..." He kept on repeating it until he felt his eyes drooping and his arms slightly losing their grip around her shoulder. She was breathing slowly, he could feel her breathing, in and out... in and out. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the couch. This time he didn't look back up.


End file.
